God I Wish I was a Kid Again

Just a short post today to share a link that I love but that nobody else will probably have time for. I think that this is yet another instance of me being too hardcore for my own good, but this 20th anniversary look back at the Nintendo Entertainment System (and the acoompanying 45-minute video at the top-right of the linked page) really took me back. From blowing on cartridges to reading Nintendo Power and playing Dragon Warrior, it all triggers fond memories of my childhood. I think I'm going to go play some emulated Super Mario Bros. right now...

Fuck you too, Toad. Fuck you too.

Also: War Bears! You get to guide a team of crime-fighting bears through a puzzling bank robbery. It's a bit difficult at first, but once you get a feel for things it becomes very fun. It's a very clever game with a lot of character. I beat it for the first time just now with a score of 1350 in roughly 38 minutes.

Finally: A Microsoft portable?

Chair-ity

I sent out a mass e-mail earlier this week and immediately regretted it. As I often find myself doing lately, I realized moments after sending it that it would probably have been a good post topic (well, let's not fool myself here: an adequate post topic), and I'm generally pretty hard up for things to write about as of late. Well, nothing better really presented itself between then and now, so to those of you who received the aforementioned e-mail, I apologize in advance for revisiting the topic. The only other thing I could think of to write about was why I hate the Olympics, and that would just be me bitching about missing a few TV shows and expressing my distaste for watching effeminate men dance. How can something involving two sharp metal blades be so interminably boring?

In any case, moving on-- I got a new chair. It was wheeled into my office earlier this week (Tuesday afternoon, perhaps?), and I've been luxuriating in space-age comfort ever since. I'm not sure what I did to deserve said chair, unless they hand out free chairs here for looking angry and exhausted (if so, I'm going to need a bigger office), but I'm very pleased to have it. The chair I had before this was fairly comfortable, and rests solidly on the upper half of the office chair spectrum (I've had much worse chairs before), but it squeaked embarrassingly loudly whenever I did anything to move it. You know, things like swiveling, reclining, typing, breathing, or blinking. Sometimes I think it would squeak when I wasn't doing anything, just to amuse itself. However, as everyone knows, there's no sound in space, so my new chair is blessedly quiet. The old chair is still sitting against the far wall, though, silently mocking me with remembered terrors, staring at my back with demonic intent, threatening to squeak every time I so much as glance at it. You no longer have any power over me, chair! Space-chair is here now! I don't need you! YOU HEAR ME!?

*cough*

Well, demon-spawned chairs wrought of pure evil aside, the new chair is very nifty. It's kind of ugly, but its ugliness is entirely functional, and, given the choice, I'd much rather have a comfortable chair than a pretty one. The seat, rather than being solid, as convention would dictate, is a fine but strong mesh of some sort that slowly conforms to your body over time. Similarly, the back is made of a hard but flexible plastic full of holes that bends to fit your back with extended use. Besides this process of long-term corformation, the other idea behind both the holes and the mesh is that they allow your body to breathe. I can't speak for anyone else, but I generally breathe out my mouth, not my back and ass. The back and the seat are also independently moving parts, and as you recline or tilt the back, the seat slides in such a way as to keep the various back and seat settings consistent through your full range of motion.

And it's in the variety of settings that this chair really shines. Starting with the aforementioned mesh seat, it can be raised and lowered, and extended to become larger, via a rolling extension at the front that can be rolled up and out or down and in to varying degrees. The back has a separate lumbar support attached in behind that can be raised or lowered and loosened or tightened to give your back whatever strength and location of support that you want (although, admittedly, I wish it was able to go just a teensy bit higher). The tilt range of the chair can specified by limits to the tilt's forward and backward motion, and the ease of recline (and consequently, the support felt while reclining) can be adjusting using a tension knob. Finally, the arms of the chair can be individually adjusted in three different ways: height, angle, and width (distance from each other).

So, yeah, it's a comfortable chair, and an expensive one too, I should imagine. However, I think that it'll go a long way towards making work a more enjoyable experience. I'm certainly happy with it so far, and I can be pretty picky when it comes to chairs. I'm one of those people who'll walk into a conference room (or classroom, living room, etc.), choose a chair, and, if I feel that it's lacking in quality, steal one of the chairs next to me at the first opportunity. When I was working Sundays at Evention for a while, the first thing I'd do after I got there was roll one of the nice chairs from the conference room down the hall to my desk and use it as my office chair for the day.

In other back-pampering news, I'll be having an ergonomic evaluation this afternoon. All of the recent hires are getting them, and I suspect they're meant to function as protection against lawsuits relating to the development of back problems or carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm not sure what precisely this evaluation involves, but it's scheduled to take place in my office for a whole hour, and I suspect it may simply entail a person sitting in my office with a notepad or form and watching me work for an hour. However, I desperately hope that I'm wrong in this instance, since I get incredibly nervous when someone watches me do anything, and the possibility of someone staring intently at my back for an hour while I work causes me no end of trepidation and doesn't bode well for the quality of the work I'll be doing this afternoon. Apparently, depending on the results of this evaluation, I could be looking at a number of office alterations, from a new keyboard/mouse setup to a new chair or a new desk height. Frankly, I'd rather just avoid all of the hassle, but since I suspect that I may have gotten my chair in preparation for this evaluation, I'll struggle through it somehow.

Wish me luck. And if I don't make it, avenge my death! I think beating someone with a chair would be the appropriate reprisal.

[Unrelated but exciting link: Classic Sierra adventure game compilations! Police Quest and Leisure Suit Larry? I am DOWN with that.]

Please Stop Trying to Turn Everything into a Fucking Multimedia Centre

So, apparently the DS will be getting all kinds of new functionality, even beyond what I mentioned in my previous post. Everyone else one seems to be quite excited about it all-- needless to say, I am not. I don't own a PSP. The reason I don't own a PSP is not because it's library is unappealing (which it is, aside from a few RPGs that intrigue me), or because I can't afford it, but rather because I don't want a fucking portable multimedia centre (nor do I really want a portable video game system either, but as I stated a few posts ago, they lend themselves to the genres and technologies that I enjoy). Fortunately, unlike the PSP, none of this stuff comes built-in, so I don't have to waste my money on functionality that I'll never make use of. I just don't see the appeal that everyone else apparently does. I don't want my fucking game systems to show movies and let me make phone calls and give me blow jobs-- I want them to PLAY GAMES. If I want to watch a movie, I'll watch it on a DVD player. If I want to make a phone call, I'll use the goddamn telephone hanging on my wall (don't even get me started on cell phones). If I want a blow job, I'll... cry myself to sleep?

Anyway, the point is, I like my functionality spread across a number of discrete devices, and I want that functionality to remain at home. If I want to ignore people rudely while I'm outside of the house, I'll do it the good old-fashioned way-- I'll flip them off and then leave. And, with regard to this trend towards consolidating technologies into multi-purpose devices: the day that I can watch movies and call people on my toaster is the day that I finally go postal. I'll probably beat people to death with said toaster, just to be poetic. I'll bet that their last words will be something along the lines of "Why didn't... you get... the ToastPro 3000? It has... a built-in camera..."

There is some good news though. Apparently the PSP's idiotic proprietary movie format is in trouble, which anyone who didn't work for Sony could see coming a mile away.

Also, on a less infuriating note:
Arrested Development's finale last Friday was masterful. Brilliant. Hilarious. Two of the best hours of TV that I've ever watched. I'm sorry to see it end, but it couldn't have possibly ended on a higher note. Every one of you who didn't watch it is poorer for not having done so, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Reggie Kicks Ass

Short post today, as my life continues to be seamless unending drudgery. Some interesting news out of this year's D.I.C.E. (Design, Innovate, Create, Entertain) summit courtesy of Nintendo's notoriously outspoken VP of Sales and Marketing, Reggie Fils-Aime. A full summary of his presentation can be found here, but here are the interesting bits:

• Apparently, the many hardcore gamers children who decided upon first laying eyes on it that the Revolution controller wouldn't be suited for hardcore gaming can take heart: Fils-Aime assured listeners that the controller can be used more traditionally with the help of a cradle designed to look like a traditional controller. I'll need to see a picture before I weight in on this "cradle".


• Reggie also unveiled a new feature of the Nintendo Wi-Fi connection. The forthcoming DS game Metroid Prime: Hunters will have VoIP connection functionality using the DS's built-in microphone. Unfortunately, Hunters in particular will restrict chatting to the pre/post-match lobby area. I hate chatting with people online, and I hate the acronym VoIP (since people insist on pronouncing it "voip" instead of "Vee-o-i-pee"), but it still seems pretty cool to me to have a VoIP-enabled gaming portable, and, even though it may not be to my taste, I forsee many future applications of this technology.


• Finally, a new DS initiative was unveiled: a new system of booths which will allow DS owners to download content, such as demos, trailers, minigames, and "sequelized" (Reggie's word, not mine) content. However, the content will only be playable on the DS until the first time it's powered off, and which point it will be lost (much like the current wireless single-cartridge multiplayer downloads). The booths will have a 15-foot radius of connectivity and will initially be available at GameStop, EB Games, and Game Crazy outlets. Target and Wal-Mart may soon be getting booths as well. These booths have already been active for some time in Japan, including train stations where riders can download DS content. Again, I don't see myself getting much use out of this, and I doubt I'd be willing to whip out my DS in the middle of store even if there was something that I wanted, but it's still pretty cool.

Fact: MACGYVER is awesome

A month or so ago, Nathan made me aware of the Chuck Norris fact phenomenon, and its various offshoots (like Mr. T or Vin Diesel). Essentially, you just pick some guy with cult action hero status, and then concoct greatly exaggerated tales of his exploits, and present them as facts. These "facts" are submitted by any visitor to the site who is inclined, and, having no real filtering process, vary widely in quality. However, when Nathan first introduced Aiden and myself to the top 30 Chuck Norris facts, we couldn't stop laughing. I'll grant that they may not be to everyone's taste, but if you've got the proper appreciation for them, they're comic gold.

So, Chuck Norris is cool and all, but a recent link to an amateurish Portuguese graphic adventure (which was awesome), courtesy of Travis, reminded me that there is another action hero who is far cooler: MACGYVER. The man's a patriotic, super-intelligent, globe-trotting, ass-kicking special agent who refuses to carry a gun, but can kill you a dozen different ways using only a magnifying glass and a toothpick. Clearly, MACGYVER is king bad-ass. So where's his facts page? Right here. :-)

I wrote most of these up a couple of weeks ago, whenever inspiration struck me (I've been saving the post for whenever I couldn't think of anything else to write about). I got out of bed a couple of times in the middle of the night to get some of these gems written down before I forgot them. I'd been hoping to add more since, and was even entertaining the idea of starting a page, but I guess the spark left me at some point. True to the spirit of the other fact collections, but without the justification, these vary wildly in quality. I just wrote down anything that had the right feel, regardless of how great or mediocre it was. Hopefully they're all original-- my memory's poor, so I'm worried I may have stolen one or two of the Chuck Norris facts. In any case, without further ado, and in the order that I came up with them, I give you MACGYVER facts:


Fact: MACGYVER's first name is "Angus". Anyone who dares to call him Angus is found days later with no sign of a murder weapon other than a elastic band and a paperclip found nearby. MACGYVER is "MACGYVER".

Fact: The only thing that MACGYVER cannot produce with a soda can and an extension cord... is mercy.

Fact: Legends state that MACGYVER can do anything with a jack-knife. These legends are false. Jack was simply the name of the first man MACGYVER killed using the toothpick and spork found on his custom-made knife. MACGYVER can do anything with a MACGYVER-knife.

Fact: MACGYVER staged the moon landing using a camera and some string so that noone would come near his Lunar Command Post.

Fact: Some crazy people claim that MACGYVER was just a TV character, played by Richard Dean Anderson. In actuality, Richard Dean Anderson was played by MACGYVER, and the show was a documentary, the events of which REALLY HAPPENED.

Fact: MACGYVER invented genocide using only blankets and smallpox.

Fact: It is a commonly-held misconception that Einstein's formula E = Mc^2 describes his special theory of relativity. In fact, an "a" has been lost over the years, and Einstein was simply trying to describe the massive amounts of energy produced when MACGYVER squares off with Murdock. However, he failed miserably, because MACGYVER is a constant. His second and lesser-known formula states that lim(innovation) as intelligence -> infinity = MACGYVER.

Fact: The United States of MACGYVER was renamed in 1979 in an effort to mislead the KGB.

Fact: MACGYVER-ologists theorize that MACGYVER invented the gun in an attempt to give the rest of humanity a chance to best him in a confrontation. This clearly is not the case, because the gun failed to do that, and MACGYVER never fails.

Fact: MACGYVER can invent 1000 different things using a ball of yarn and a pair of sunglasses. 999 of these things can kill a man. The remaining thing can kill a planet.

Fact: James Bond once attacked MACGYVER in a restaurant. Bond was bristling with Q's deadly gadgets, while MACGYVER was calmly eating dinner. It was the first time that they had ever met face to face, and the last, since they then met face to knee, face to floor, and finally, face to improvised cutlery cannon.

Fact: One time, MACGYVER built a time machine out of an old refrigerator and a pocketwatch, and used it to travel to the ancient paradise of Atlantis. However, while there, he went on a drunken bender with with a magnifying glass and a book of matches. This area is now known as the Sahara.

Fact: Necessity is the mother of invention. MACGYVER is the father.

Fact: Rome wasn't built in a day, because MACGYVER spent the entirety of the first day making love to every woman in sight. Rome was built in exactly 25 hours, and soon became a mighty empire thanks to a legion of fearless mullet-headed warriors armed with knives and string.

Fact: MACGYVER has one weakness-- he cannot hurt a woman. Fortunately, it is equally impossible for a woman to hate MACGYVER.

Fact: Chuck Norris is an android built by MACGYVER in an attempt to find a worthy opponent. However, MACGYVER designed him to be so intelligent that he refuses to attack MACGYVER, because HE KNOWS HE WILL LOSE.

Fact: The Trojan horse actually failed miserably. But while the soldiers were busy slaying the trapped troops, MACGYVER snuck inside and laid waste to the city using a wooden plank and a deck of playing cards.

Fact: MACGYVER's mullet is coated with a space-age polymer he designed using eyeliner and glue. Some believe that this makes him irresitible to women, but this is untrue. MACGYVER is innately irrestible to women-- the polymer repels them, in an effort to perpetuate the human race by having them mate with men other than MACGYVER.

Fact: MACGYVER never kills. He has a robot army made of toothpicks and glue to do that for him.

Fact: President Kennedy once offered to make MACGYVER's houseboat a sovereign nation with its own laws. He was killed days later by a magic bullet MACGYVER designed using a toy plane and chewing gum. MACGYVER IS the law.

Fact: On the 1st day, God created MACGYVER. On the 2nd day, God created knives and paperclips. On the 3rd day, MACGYVER created everything else.

Fact: Once, while vacationing in the Ukraine, MACGYVER was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. He woke up in a jail cell, but the jailers made the mistake of leaving him access to a radio and a toilet. The city of Chernobyl was never quite the same.

Fact: MACGYVER doesn't use guns, because he can kill a man 100 different ways with some salt packets and a disposable razor, but only one way with a gun. Besides, he could use those packets and the razor to make a gun if he wanted to anyway.

Fact: There, is, believe it or not, one thing that MACGYVER cannot invent-- a way to kill MACGYVER.

Fact: Due to the length of time it has spent in proximity to MACGYVER's brain, MACGYVER's mullet has its own graduate degree from MIT, the MACGYVER Institute of Technology. MACGYVER's knife, being much further from his brain, is enrolled in the Yale school of Drama. MACGYVER prefers not to talk about it.

Fact: MACGYVER disproves Newton's 3rd law by his very existence, since no force exists that can oppose MACGYVER.

Fact: The only thing that can kill MACGYVER is a silver bullet... fired from a railgun orbiting Saturn. And even then, you'd better pray to god that he's not holding a newspaper.


So, there they are. Hopefully at least one of them made you laugh. My favorite is the third one, personally. I apologize for all of the bold text, but I wanted something to set my facts apart from all the other sets, and there's just something about his name that demands that it be spoken with great gravity. Personally, whenever I read it, it resonates in my head in the same way that it's said during the episode of the Simpsons where Bob tries to kill Selma Patty Selma Marge's sister. You know: "Tonight on MACGYVER... MACGYVER... MACGYVER..." Classic. :-)